Every family has its black sheep. The Hearsts had Patty, the Sheens have Charlie, and the Baldwins have …. all of the Baldwins. But it turns out those famous kooks were at the top of their game, because plenty of celebs have embarrassing kin who are too incompetent to even cash in on their famous last names — not that it stops them from trying. For example …
Tom Hanks’ Son Is A Failed Rapper Who Loves The N-Word
Being Tom Hanks’ son automatically puts you on the whiteness scale alongside microbrewing, suspenders, and New Balance sneakers. But while Colin Hanks embraces this by directing documentaries about Tower Records and starring in CBS sitcoms, Hanks’ other son, Chester, is the blackface sheep of the family.
Rapper Chester Hanks, aka “Chet Haze,” often acts like an OG thug on social media, posing with guns and starting beefs with other prominent hip-hop artists like … Howard Stern? In 2015, Bad Hanks threatened the shock jock on several occasions, tweeting about how he was going to whoop Stern’s sexagenarian ass, adding “I AM A WALKING PR DISASTER!”
And of course, Chester loves to say the N-word. A lot. In his lyrics, on Twitter … he probably says it when he’s making himself a sandwich. When confronted, he has clapped back by asserting, “I do say the n word in real life amongst my black friends,” which might be the whitest thing anyone has ever said without spluttering it through a mouthful of oysters at the raw bar of the local yacht club.
Chester continued by qualifying that he has “no disrespect to the struggle of black ppl during the civil rights movement but it’s 2015 now” — which, as we all remember, was the year zombie Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. rose from the grave and declared that white people could now say the N-word as much as they like.
Since then, Chester has turned a corner, by which we mean his rap career has hit a dead end. Having reflected, he now feels bad for his behavior and blames it on his prodigious drug use. He attributes his recent sobriety to his parents, who were there for him “every step of the way.” So at least he did one thing right with his life: He made Tom Hanks look even better.
Barack Obama’s Half-Brother Is A Right-Wing Troll
For most of their lives, Malik and Barack Obama were as close as transcontinental half-brothers could be, even acting as best men at each other’s weddings (one of Malik’s 12 weddings, anyway). But when Barack became president of the United States, Malik wanted in on the ride. Without his brother’s blessing, he tried to act as an unofficial representative in Kenya, even trying a run for governor. He got 1 percent of the vote. Malik then grew bitter and angry at his important brother, in part because Barack had helped bring down “one of his best friends” — that is, Muammar Gaddafi.
Down and out, Malik did what every failed right-wing politician does best: He became an online troll. By 2016, he had transformed into a full-fledged Donald Trump supporter. That may not be the most obvious move for a black Muslim immigrant, but it was one that Trump gladly took advantage of, inviting Malik to his campaign debates. He even helped Trump’s racist birther campaign by lying that he had Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate.
Malik’s biggest claim to fame came when he joined Twitter, where his incoherent ramblings delighted shitposters on both ends of the political spectrum.
But not even a Charlie-Sheen-level disaster could keep Malik in the limelight for long. After failing to capitalize on his MAGA infamy, Malik retreated back to Kenya, where his brother still remains more popular than he — even within their own family.
The Third Nolan Brother Is A Murder Suspect And Prison Escape Artist
Matthew Nolan has the same creative streak as his filmmaker brothers Christopher and Jonathan; it’s just that he uses his for evil. Matthew has pretended to be a member of the British Special Forces, and was investigated for his involvement in a $700,000 bank fraud scheme. But his biggest suspected crime was the 2006 murder of Florida businessman Robert C. Cohen in Costa Rica. It’s a story of gems, kidnapping, and bellboys fit for any straight-to-DVD movie.
According to authorities, Matthew pulled a move right out of one of his brothers’ capers. Pretending to be a multimillionaire jewel merchant, he lured Cohen to a hotel, where he and a bellboy kidnapped the wealthy businessman. But when the family failed to meet his ransom, Matthew allegedly tortured Cohen to death and fled the country. Eventually, the FBI grabbed him … when he popped up back in the U.S. to attend his own bankruptcy hearing. One agent later revealed that the least-known Nolan “was the most arrogant person I have talked to.”
However, the story didn’t end there. Like his brothers, Matthew can pull off a strong third act. While he was sitting in a Chicago prison awaiting extradition, he clearly took inspiration from The Prestige and started working on a vanishing act. Before he managed to enact his nefarious plan, guards stumbled upon his epic escape kit, finding 31 feet of rope, a harness made of bed sheets, razors, and a makeshift lock pick to get out of his cuffs.
While the Costa Rican murder charge was never resolved, Matthew did spend years in prison for the escape act before being released. And like a true criminal mastermind, he then retired to an inexplicable life of luxury with his Pilates instructor wife and two kids.
Meghan Markle’s Nephew Uses Her Fame To Sell Weed
Tyler Dooley is an Oregonian weed farmer and the son of Meghan Markle’s estranged brother Thomas. But when his auntie Meghan went off to become a princess, Tyler saw his chance to crawl out of the dank dirt and cash in on his royal ties. Together with his mom, he set up the cannabis company Royally Grown, and started a new strain of marijuana called Markle Sparkle. It was the unofficial official weed of the royal wedding.
After the weed controversy, Tyler managed to sign onto the MTV show The Royal World, which was billed as “the world’s first royal-ity TV show.” Because marketing people are just the worst.
The show, adhering to its pun title, followed a bunch of 22nd-stringer noble party boys and girls as they lived in a McMansion for six weeks. The show actually pretended that Tyler was a legitimate great-nephew of Queen Elizabeth II herself. Hey, if the Cheetos-stained football jersey fits …
Elon Musk’s Brother Is A Seed-Loving Cowboy
With an easy smile and a prominent cowboy hat, it’s easy to mistake Kimbal for the laid-back, underachieving Musk brother, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Kimbal has taken that famous Musk ambition and turned it toward supreme hippiedom, running a chain of community restaurants where a “no shoes, no service” policy would bankrupt him within days. But Kimbal’s greatest passion is spreading his seeds — and not in the way you’d think.
Through his green nonprofit, Kimbal is trying to launch “Plant a Seed Day,” a new holiday wherein millions of inner-city kids plant seeds in whatever patch of filth they can find. Seriously, Kimbal won’t shut up about his seeds, which Fox’s Stuart Varney found out when he invited the cowboy on to give him insights on Tesla. He instead found himself bombarded with five seed plugs in 40 seconds before he angrily cut Musk off.
Why would anyone book this man as an economics expert? Maybe because his activism isn’t funded by good vibes and clean living, but good old-fashioned nepotism. Kimbal gets his seed money mostly through his brother Elon’s companies, being a major shareholder in SpaceX and serving on the board of directors at Tesla, where he is reportedly “incapable or unwilling to contradict Elon Musk’s whims.
In fact, Kimbal is such a stooge that shareholders have banded together to try to buck him from the company. They find his total lack of insight and experience “inexplicable. Or, rather, we would find it inexplicable if Tesla were anything like a well-run public company.” We’ll see who has the last laugh when the Musks are living in their domed park of hand-planted trees on Mars.